Losing You
by DesertFlower303
Summary: Clary deals with with the most heartbreaking loss of her life.


Synopsis: What if Jace was never resurrected? Clary's response to losing Jace for good.  
Disclaimer: I don't own TMI. If I did I could quit my day job and have more fun with my life.

***

Guilt was a familiar feeling. Clary felt more guilt these days than she liked to admit. She'd made so many mistakes lately, caused so much trouble for the people she loved, but this… She used to think of the shadow world as amazing. The day she first saw the institute her mind was opened beyond anything she could have possibly imagined, it all seemed so unreal, so insane, so… magical. All of a sudden she lived in a world where all the legends were true and it was like being able to see for the first time. It wasn't that she didn't see the danger, the danger only made it more exciting. Maybe it was they way Jace behaved, his insane level of bravado, the way nothing really scared him, like he was invincible. Watching him fight was like watching water flowing, he was so smooth, precise and immaculate. He did the best he could to teach her to respect the danger, but watching him in his element all of that seemed to fade away and all she could see was the magic. Jace was entrancing. Maybe that was why she never saw the danger coming until it was too late and now…

She felt numb… as she entered the hall surrounded by shadowhunters in white, she wasn't sure how she was supposed to feel. How did people do this? How did they not crumble and completely lose their minds? Clary still felt the loss and grief from losing her mother, but this was different. When she'd lost her mother she somehow knew she was going to be okay eventually, but this was so different. She'd heard people talk about the way Nephilum loved and the gravity of loss they felt especially for their lovers, but she'd never really understood what it meant until now, staring at world where the one she loved more than anything was gone. Where once life was full of possibilities she only saw blackness and the void where the life she'd wanted with Jace could never be a reality.

She'd done everything she could've to save Jace, but it was no use. Valentine killed him and she killed Valentine. She'd say it was an eye for an eye but the truth was Jace was worth more than a thousand Valentines. No amount of revenge would ever settle that debt and she'd never felt rage like she felt the moment Valentine tried to justify killing Jace.

_"The two of you together are too dangerous."_

_She flew into a rage, picking up her sword and running at him without a second thought. And then the world went black. It wasn't until she woke up to the pain in her face that she realised Valentine had knocked her out and chained her up. Funny she thought as she went to retrieve Jace's stele to free herself, though Valentine was her father he really knew nothing about her at all. He thought her and Jace were dangerous together? Well she would show him just how dangerous she could be one her own. _

_She grabbed him just in time and threw him away from the edge of the water with a strength she didn't know she had. No matter how many times he knocked her down, she got back up, fighting through the pain and breathlessness. The final blow nearly ended her, she might have given in except for the white hot rage burning inside of her. When she saw the knife she acted on pure instinct. Valentine was stronger but she was undoubtedly faster. The moment she slit his throat she knew it was over. She kicked him to the ground and stood back making sure he was gone before making her plea to Raziel._

The angel had not been willing to oblige. _The dead should stay dead_ he'd said and as he disappeared in a ball of light taking any chance of saving Jace's life away, something inside of her broke. She'd tried desperately to revive him with runes, throwing all of her energy and will into it until she'd realised nothing was going to work and she was left empty with nothing left to do but cling onto Jace's lifeless form as every emotion she'd kept at bay while fighting flooded through her so violently that she hardly noticed when Alec, Izzy and Magnus showed up.

_She kept her face pressed to Jace's chest, ignoring the blood soaking into her hair, praying desperately to hear a heartbeat as her sobs racked through her. She felt like she had been stabbed in the chest, pain radiating from her chest to her entire body as Izzy placed her hand on her back trying to console her. After what seemed like hours, she finally got up and crumbled onto Izzy's shoulder. _

_Alec's sobs as he knelt over his fallen Parabatai only made things more unbearable, they watched as he pulled Jace's limp form into his arms and held him as he screamed in agony. Clary felt sick all of a sudden stepping away from Izzy and retching violently. Jace was gone. She would never have the chance to tell him how much she loved him, never see those golden eyes staring back at her so full of life, love, humour and desire. She would never again feel the comfort of his arms holding her safe or the soft warmth of his kiss or the tender touch of his hands on her face. And it was more than she could bear. _

_Izzy held her up from behind as waves of agony crashed over her again with a force she couldn't control. She sobbed shaking uncontrollably until her voice was horse and her eyes stung. She felt like a part of her had been torn away and she was left with a gaping wound she couldn't close. She turned to Izzy who's face was stained in tears, eyes full of pain she was holding in, trying to be strong. She turned to Alec who was holding Jace's lifeless body in his arms, ready to get back to the institute. He met her gaze for a moment, a depth of agony she'd never seen before in his expression, before nodding gravely to Magnus who opened a portal._

_The worst part was watching people part as they walked through the institute, confusion on their faces before each one realised who the pale, lifeless form in Alec's arms was. Some of them cried, most just looked on in shock, horrified at the sight of their fallen hero. As much as there was rivalry between Jace and much of the institute, it was still recognised that Jace was the best of them… and seeing that meant that anyone could be next and it shook them to their core. _

Standing at the entrance to the hall now surrounded by everyone mourning their fallen hero, she didn't know how she was going to make it through today. Jace was the only reason she'd been able to cope through her mother's funeral, how was she going to make it through now? Izzy walked toward her taking her hands in hers.

"I know this feels _impossible_ right now Clary, but you can do this. We can do this. I'm here."

Clary nodded sombrely. "Just don't let go of me?" She asked, pleading.

Izzy nodded through tears starting to form in her eyes. "I've got you."

Clary caught Alec's gaze as she walked forward. They'd hardly said a word to each other since Lake Lyn, which wasn't exactly unusual, but this was a silence that permeated her soul. He probably blamed her as much as she blamed herself. Jace deserved so much better and Alec never should've had to endure the death of his parabatai. Clary took her place next to Izzy and Maryse who looked nothing like the stoic woman she'd first met. She was barely holding herself together as she held Max close to her who, though he was still so young, looked no less than devastated by his brother's loss. Robert looked exhausted, as if he hadn't slept in days, staring straight ahead as if he couldn't quite believe this was all real. Clary observed them carefully through the haze she'd been feeling all day and wondered if Jace ever truly knew how much his adopted family loved him.

For a moment everything was moving in slow motion, Jace's form shrouded in the sheer white fabric felt like something out of a dream, like any moment he would appear, hold her close and tell her everything was going to be okay. She knew somewhere in the back of her mind that she was in shock and probably wasn't seeing things clearly, but the other part of her was running fantasies in her head. She closed her eyes picturing Jace's face in her mind, those final moments of clarity between them.

_"When you ran into me that night at Pandemonium, did you ever think we would end up… like this?" She was nervous, anticipating his response. She knew what she wanted to say, it had been on the tip of her tongue ever since they'd kissed at the Seelie court. She was testing the waters, trying to figure out if he was feeling the same thing. _

_His face softened and he looked slightly shy, a small grin on his face. "Actually I did." _

_Her heart raced from more than just the running they'd just done. "So did I." She confessed. _

_She smiled, wide and jovial in spite of their circumstances, she couldn't help herself. Jace smiled back at her with sincere happiness, his eyes sparkling under the moonlight. They didn't touch but there was new level of closeness between them, an understanding of the pull toward each other right from the beginning and what it meant to them._

_And then Valentine appeared out of nowhere and Jace was on the ground unable to move as she stared petrified in horror…_

Clary opened her eyes trying to will away the image of Jace lying helpless as he bled to death under her hands… apologising to her for dying… telling her that he loved her with his final breath… Clary looked at Jace's shrouded form and finally felt the numbness subside and give way to the force of the brokenness she felt. Tears streamed down her face uncontrollably as she shook her head bitterly, still hardly able to believe it. She longed to touch his face and stare into those beautiful golden eyes, to brush her hands over his brow and press her lips to his, to feel his large warm hands cup her face and caress her cheeks. Jace was the kind of person who never could stand still. Seeing him stone cold, immovable was wrong. All of this was wrong.

The rite of mourning passed by in a strange, painful blur. Clary barely remembered what she said or who she saw. None of it truly seemed real. Watching his essence ascend all she could think was she wanted to die with him right then and there. After the rite she found herself wandering alone up to the roof, loosing track of time as she stared out at the city all around her. They planned on honouring her in just a few days time after today for her actions in killing Valentine, a "celebration of her heroism" just for her they'd called it. Though part of her was glad to go back to Idris, she didn't feel like a hero. She'd killed Valentine because she'd had no other choice, it was kill him or be killed along with the rest of the downworlders. She knew it was the right thing to do, but she didn't feel like a hero. It was hard to feel heroic when she'd failed to save the one person she'd fought hardest to save.

She sat on the edge of the institute roof, dangling her feet over the edge, contemplating the likelihood of whether it would really be painless if she were to jump head first. She would never do it, but just for a moment the urge crossed her mind as footsteps behind her shook her out of her daze.

"You'd better not be planning on jumping." Alec's voice rang out, sternly. "Jace had enough of a death wish for all of us."

Clary couldn't bring herself to look as he settled in beside her dangling his feet over the edge as well. "Don't worry, I'm not gonna jump. I don't think anyone could possibly have the kind of death wish Jace had." She look at Alec then and in spite of themselves they smiled grimly at each other.

Their relationship had never been close or particularly good, but she could sense a kind of closeness between them now, something in their shared grief that didn't really make sense. "He loved you you know." Alec stated sincerely. "I don't know if he ever really told you, but he loved you more than anything."

Clary swallowed over the lump in her throat, eyes stinging with tears again. "I know…" she choked out. "I…" she met Alec's gaze through bleary eyes. "…he told me right before he died. It was the last thing he ever said…" Alec reached out and placed his hand over hers comfortingly, encouraging her to talk. It felt strange. "Why are you being nice to me anyway?" She asked.

Alec grimaced before moving his hands and leaning over resting his arms on his legs. "I guess I deserve that… I've been… horrible to you… but we both lost him… and as much as part of me wants to point out that we all knew him so much longer than you did, the better part of me, the part I know Jace would want me to show you, knows how much you loved him… and that should be honoured."

Clary looked down at the ground bellow again feeling her tears fall over the edge. Jace had always tried to teach her to respect the danger of the shadow world. She'd always been too stubborn to really listen, feeling invincible with him by her side. She'd never truly understood the danger until now and she couldn't help but think if she'd been more cautious maybe Jace would still be alive. "What do I do with myself now Alec? I look at the future now and it's just… black…"

Alec sighed heavily. "I could tell you that this all a part of grieving, that what you're feeling is all completely normal but… the truth is if it weren't for Magnus I think I might have jumped today… so I get it. Nephilum love fiercely Clary, sometimes more than we can bear… and to lose that…" He paused and they both looked at each other in understanding.

"I'm _so sorry_ Alec…" Clary apologised through her tears. "This is all my fault. I should've been more aware, I should've anticipated Valentine, he just came out of nowhere and I couldn't save him, I just…"

Alec shook his head, gripping her shoulder firm. "You didn't do this Clary. _Valentine_ did this."

Clary shook her head miserably. "I did everything I could… I tried healing runes, I _begged_ Raziel to bring him back or to take me instead, but… Raziel didn't care and nothing worked…" She barely realised she was sobbing until Alec wrapped his arm around her holding her to him comfortingly as she sobbed bitterly.

When it seemed like Clary was calm enough, Alec backed off and stood up offering his hand. "Come on, let's get you to your room. You need to rest."

Clary let Alec help her up before falling against him more exhausted than she'd ever been in her life. He held her up and took her to her room where Izzy was waiting looking worried. "Oh thank God you found her!" Izzy exclaimed. "I was worried she might do something stupid."

Alec gave her a knowing look. Both of them were a mess and doing their best to hold themselves together. Clary was very obviously falling apart, looking much paler than normal and very weak. "She's okay, just exhausted." He carried her to her bed and helped her in gently. "Can you take it from here?" He asked.

Izzy nodded giving Alec a sympathetic look before helping Clary pull off her shoes and pulling the covers over her. Izzy stroked her hair comfortingly for a few minutes before squeezing her shoulder gently. "Is there anything I can get you?" Izzy asked. Clary gazed straight ahead vacantly. "I'll be fine." She managed weakly, her eyelids too heavy to ignore anymore. Vaguely she heard Izzy saying something else, but she was too far gone, sleep overtaking her as she drifted into sweet oblivion.

As always, comments and feedback is welcome.


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